The prevailing thought I have lately is to be pro-active. So often in my life, I've been able to draft off someone else and help broaden their experience/ministry, and I get to be part of it without being the one who spearheads things. I'm told by those close to me that I am a leader; that people will listen to me, and perhaps follow me, and yet, I do nothing. I wait.
I stepped out of 4:12 (the college and career ministry at my church), not because I felt too old, but because I felt it was time to do something else. I feel a pull towards men's ministry, yet there isn't much of that currently. I want to help get something going, but will it be as one who heads it up, or as one who helps enable those who lead?. I wait.
I love Holly more than even I can describe with words. We both know that we want to spend the rest of our lives together, and we've talked of wedding plans and looked at rings and so on and so on. I don't have the money for a ring, nor have I asked her dad for her hand in marriage. I wait.
I enjoy my job, even when there are snags. I'm told that, in time, I'll be given a store to manage. I continue to learn more about the products I sell and how to do my job better. I wait.
At what point do I stop waiting, and start doing? What do I have to be afraid of? I don't feel afraid or fearful, just uncertain. Uncertain of what step to take, to make a mistake, to do something wrong; and yet, waiting in and of itself feels wrong. Perhaps this is why I don't sleep at night...My conscious is not clean, filled with doubt and guilt. I know that the grace of God covers a multitude of sins, but I don't accept that grace. Instead, I somehow think that given enough time, by waiting, the answer will just appear.
2 comments:
Hey Chad,
I worked for two summers in the mines of N. Minnesota, driving 120 ton trucks, loaded with crushed iron-laden rock...from the shovel to the dump pocket...back and forth. When they trained me for the job, I had 24 hours to learn the ins and outs of these massive trucks...one of those things that I had to learn...even suspend my own beliefs for...was that the truck could easily be turned with just one finger...but only if the truck was moving. Sitting still, you couldn't muscle one of those babies for nothin. But once it was rolling, once you had it going even just 5 mph, those massive tires (over 8ft high) easily turned...and the truck easily went where you wanted it...and most importantly where the foreman wanted it to go.
Just a thought...
I'm with Mike on this...it's difficult for God to turn you in the direction He needs you to go if you're not moving at all. If you take a step out in faith, He is faithful and will show you clearly how to proceed. Sometimes it takes a couple of doors slammed in the face to realize you need to change direction, though ;^), and that's normal.
I'll keep praying for you!
In Him, Holly's friend Diane
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