second guessing

Holly and I watched Serendipity on Sunday night. Cute movie, but it drove me nuts. Not because it's a "chick flick", but because the two protagonists were always so close to finding each other, and yet, so far away. Throughout the movie, after their chance meeting, fate seems to be pointing them back to each other, in spite of the fact that both of them are in committed relationships.

Why do I bring this up. After the movie, Holly and I ran to the grocery store to get something to fix for dinner. I shared with Holly what bothered me the most about that movie: the second guessing of one's decisions. I tend to second guess myself alot...I come across as confident sure of myself, but internally I wonder about my choices...I'll share with you the example I gave Holly.

Since most of the folks who read this are close friends, I can spare some history. When I was dating Sherri, I felt amazing. I was in love with a beautiful woman who loved God and who loved me. We prayed together, studied God's Word together..it was fantastic. So what happened? After all, I wanted to marry her...at some point, after about a year, we both realized our lives were headed in seperate directions: she to the mission field, and I...I didn't want to leave Milwaukee because I felt like I was called to work here. I started to withdraw from Sherri, and we talked about what was ahead for us and agreed to break off the serious part of our relationship and just be friends...easier said than done, but we managed. After we broke up, I spent the next several months (yes, months) wondering what in the hell I had done...had I just blown my best shot at marriage? Was I doomed to be single forever? Keep in mind I was only 26 at the time...I thought the world was going to end. Have I ever mentioned that I struggle with jealousy? When Sherri came to and Easter service at church with someone else I was so filled with jealousy. I had a hard time being in the same room when both of them were together. When Brian and Sherri's engagement was announced at church, I just put my head down and clapped politely. the two friends on my right caught my eye and smile weakly...Tori came up to me after the service and offered her sympathy. I didn't go to the wedding...Sherri asked, thru a mutual friend, if I wanted an invite, and I politely declined. Brian and Sherri had a few more months of training in Waukesha before heading to Oregon for a year. Can I admit that I was relieved that they were going to the mission field? That I wouldn't have to see them on a regular basis, as if to remind me of what I had NOT chosen...

Holly listened to me as we drove down to the Sentry in Tosa village and as we walked thru the store getting our items. At some point, in the bread aisle, I took her by the arm, looked into her eyes and said "I made the right decision with you" She smiled.